A Cycle Of Heartbreaks

Seriously, lahat na lang ba ng magiging blog ko tungkol sa pagiging broken- hearted?

But anyway...

These days, I've been hearing a lot from my cousins and friends about them experiencing the same thing over and over and over again. Being the single (most expectedly the one with a lot of advice) one, I should always have to say something. And now, I'm writing a blog about it and the next time they ask me for something to say, I'll just have them read this.

First, the reason why we experience the same things repeatedly is because we fail to avoid what we once did wrong. Like for example: he said sorry, you forgave him, he did it again, you left him, he said he was sorry, you took him back. This is pretty much the reason why we suffer. It is basically because we are so reluctant to even help ourselves. We say we're hurt, and hurt too much, but once the pain comes knocking in, we still open the door, and hug it. Warm. As said in one of the books: "That's the thing with pain: it demands to be felt." And everybody just won't see it coming until it hits them between the eyes.

Second, you are in between a clash. A clash between your heart and your mind. And you don't have a way to get away from it. Or to choose.

My mom would always tell me to follow my heart, but I should take my brain with me. Because basically, my heart is a tiger that just got out of its cage. It has the 99% possibility of ruining everything. So does your heart. And I can tell you, the problem is you. Not your heart nor your brain. You know what to do, just what was exactly right and you'd be stupid enough to do the wrong one, and end up being hurt, again. And complain about everything.

Finally, stop being an askhole (one who asks for advice then do the exact opposite). From the person (you asked)'s point of view, that is what will keep you from hurting yourself. 

Idk, just stop being stupid. 

Enough?

          The last seven years of my life was spent knowing him. How he was to his family, friends, and even in school. Half of my existence up to now includes him. And for the past seven years, he's been dealing with me and my dramas.

           Now, he's being the jerk he claims he's always been. He says stuff that could hurt me and then take them back the next week. He's all sweets for a minute and treat me like shit the next one. I, myself is pretty confused with what is going on. I honestly find it hard to get used to these kinds of stuff. I am the type that hates changes, alters, or whatever. I do not like change. This is what surprises me. When it comes to him, I always forget what I do and do not like. When it comes to him, I think everything would be just fine. It is as if Connor Franta not checking on his phone is just as alright. It is as if Jc Caylen not seeing Wishbone for a day is alright. It is as if Ricky Dillon not twerking for a day is alright. It is as if not breathing for an hour would be just fine! I lost track. I think all these sudden happenings and twists and changes and all these stuff are the ones to blame.

          Going back... I told a few of my friends about this, and all they've got to say is: "He's so stupid!" "Like a girl." "So unpredictable!" and everything negative. I was pretty hurt for him. But I know I should not. Life is just so hard!!!

          It's clearer than clear that I have been hurt too much, but I cannot say that I have had enough. I don't know. I just... I cannot just turn my back on everything we have had. I know this is only the 2nd time he's doing this, but everything is just... falling apart. I know there's still a room somewhere inside me for forgiveness. A space reserved for him. ONLY. But if I ask myself: will he be coming back to his old self? I will just be lost in track again.

           By this time, I am more confused. Is it even right to say it out in the internet? (Of course, yes. You need someone to know!) Anyway, I've been killed multiple times by this. And it kills me once again when I thought of the 'what- ifs'. What if things get worse because I did not prevent it from happening? or worse... What if I leave everything behind now and then things start to get better and I cannot come back anymore? I honestly do not know.

          This feels like the boss level of choices. Is this the time to put myself first and breathe? Or hold on because he still needs me? How long's it gonna take? Will there be more to hurt me?

          HELP!